I think this was the title of one of my first posts right before I left for training. I haven't checked but as I began writing this post and felt oddly familiar. It's kind of interesting how I experienced anxiety before I left for training and posted about it a week-ish before I left and then, now, a week and a half after I left training I'm experiencing the same feelings of anxious, nervous, stressful energy. My head knows that this is a completely normal feeling to have, but the rest of my body isn't quite sold on it... hence the 6am posting. I've been up since 5am creeping Facebook, checking my bank account balance (then crying), making tea & toast, and reading other yogi blogs.
I remember thinking to myself last week, I could never have imagined being in so much debt- but I've never felt more happy. This week.. not so much. This week is all bills and Christmas gifts and filling up my car when gas is at an insane 105.8/g. This week I'm finding it more difficult to be accepting of my financial situation. Adding to the stress (guilty conscious) even more is that my boyfriend/ roommate/ love of life, Scott, pays for every single bill without asking anything in return. It costs my virtually nothing to live in my 3 bedroom, 1.5 bath town house. I generally believe that there are no problems, only solutions. However, my financials are seriously a problem with no foreseeable solution other than simply time because I work minimum 6 days a week, 8-14 hours a day. I want nothing more then to be a full-time Bikram Yoga teacher but how do full-time teachers make a living and pay their bills?
This is not a rhetorical question. Seriously, I want to know.
Teacher Training ended exactly 12 days ago. In that time I've taken 4 classes. All last week I couldn't figure out why I was so tired. When I was up I felt amazing, but I was losing steam so quickly; feeling like I was ready for bed @ 8pm every night. It's not that I don't want to take class or that I'm sick of it... It's just that I can think of so many other things to do with that 2hrs of my day instead of spending it in a sweaty hot room. Then, on Sunday, after Scott woke me up @7pm from my 2hr 'power nap' and convinced me to get my a$$ to class I was reminded of why I love this yoga. It energizes me, calms my mind, puts things into perspective, relights the flame within, gives me courage, and makes me feel empowered. So... I need to get back to the hot room. If nothing else, to at least preoccupy and busy myself with activities that are both, fulfilling, satisfying, and FREE.
My best friend and cousin, Rebecca, left for Tanzania on Sunday; never to be seen again until next August. I really missed her this week after the Forest Hill studio owner in Toronto, Janice, put me on her schedule. This is a studio that we rave about in Waterloo all the time. It's always a huge treat to practice there and visits are usually made into a whole weekend event. This is also the studio that Rebecca's sister, Lindsay, practices at. Janice has mentored tons of Bikram teachers and many of my favorite teachers have circulated out of her studio. I'm excited and nervous to teach there next Saturday and eager to hear her feedback and suggestions. I think this could also be contributing to my narcolepsy as I've only dreamed of teaching at this studio, on the same level as teachers like Barb, David Mook, Andrea Blakey, Paul McQuillan, Alex Evans, and Teshia Maher. That's a pretty serious line-up of teachers Janice has. Star studded.
I thought sleepless nights caused by stressing over dialogue retention we're over when I left teacher training... not so. I've never felt more exhausted and awake at the same time.
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