Everything has been sunshine and rainbows up until yesterday. I think this may be the straw that broke the camels back. I was feeling pretty lonely yesterday as everyone was pairing off to go to the beach, pool, and shopping, so I decided to counter act this feeling with some Gossip Girl, Grey's Anatomy, and Jersey Shore watching. Basically I was a hermit for the day. This is usually nice to do every once in a while, but in this case it was more of an act of rebellion, so in the end I was really only making the situation worse and more difficult for myself. I'm so self loathing.
Last week I wrote Mimosa (yoga teacher that sponsored me) an e-mail, updating her on the program and how I've been doing. I read her reply yesterday which was just updating me on her life, but at the end said "Keep up the strength, but don't be afraid of perceived weakness. TT is the only place you really get to experience and explore these." I was confused by this statement. How can I not be afraid of weakness? Why would I want to be weak here, and why would I want to explore weakness? If you ask me, it takes far more energy to be weak then to be strong. And I can't afford to be wasting any energy here.
As the day went on I was thinking more and more about what Mimosa had said. And being proud of myself for being able to be so strong. Everyone else seems to be falling apart at a rapid rate. Then I thought to myself, is staying in your room by yourself, not studying, and separated from human interaction really strong? No. Then I felt lonely and called Scott. That was either a mistake or a blessing. (I'm still undecided). He suggested we Skype so that we can see each other. Sounded like a good idea at the time... As soon as his face popped up on the screen I lost it. Crying uncontrollably, huge migraine headache, and runny nose. Seeing him is way harder then talking on the phone and hearing his voice, which isn't hard at all, its comforting while still being unattached. Seeing someone on streaming video is a whole other story. This is the first time I've cried since I've been here. I felt truly weak. All the sudden thoughts of I can't do this, this isn't for me, I want to go home, and I'm leaving came rushing through my head. I never thought I would think those thoughts. Scott was eventually able to cheer me up, which he does so well, and reminded me of what a mistake it would be to leave. Then for about 20 minutes we just stared at each other while I blew my nose a gazillion times and wiped my eyes. The conversation ended with Scott singing "Wonderwall" to me, the only song he knows off by heart hahaha.
After the Skype conversation I felt like I didn't want to be alone so I called Niki (friend, staff member, and yoga instructor) to see if she wanted to have a sleep over. Unfortunately, this guy that she's seeing, Bobby, was there so she couldn't hang out. She asked me how I was doing and I told her about the Skype call with Scott and how I hate the dialogue, how I don't want to study anymore, and that all I want to do it yoga, nothing else. *BOOM* Niki's iron fist. She told me that the yoga is the dialogue and to know the yoga better I need to study the dialogue because that's what the yoga is. There is no Bikram Yoga without the dialogue. She also reminded me that I rebelled against studying all through school as well that that she's heard this sob story before. This is my weakness. Make it my strength. She told me to not half-ass this if this is something that I truly care about. So many people come here without awareness and without knowing what their strengths and weaknesses are. Now that I know, what am I going to do about it. Also, I never really do anything independently. I've always lived close to my family, never lived alone, worked in team settings, and went all through school working in teams. This is my opportunity to be independent and truly discover who I am as an individual. And, there is an end to this (6 more weeks) so while I'm here, be truly present.
- That was hard to hear.
I'm really feeling the distance this week as Oktoberfest, Thanksgiving, and my cousin's wedding were all happening this weekend. I miss home and the security blanket of my family & friends so much. I know that this experience will be life changing, with no regrets- but its really hard. But in Bikrams words "no pain, no gain"
Happy Thanksgiving Weekend to all!!! I miss you all more then words can say.
XoXo Namaste
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