So I delivered an awesome wind removing and cobra this week.... and then there was locust.
What a nightmare.
This was the worst posture delivery I've had yet. We had two posture clinics in one day today so I delivered Cobra in the afternoon and Locust tonight. A lot of people have been saying that by not studying the dialogue as hard they are able to focus more on the bodies... makes sense. So, since I haven't been seeing the bodies and had a fairly good knowledge of the dialogue (no where near where it usually is), I decided that I would test this new method. I should have stuck with my gut instinct. I'm a dialogue girl.
I got up there and completely blanked. Then, because I didn't have the security of the dialogue I was extra nervous. Not exactly ingredients for success. Going up to deliver the posture and just "winging it" ended up with me blurting out random phrases that I could recall, lots of pauses and Ummm's and nervous giggles, and finally ...."get your legs more up Sheron, stop bull shitting" and then, quickly, "change". I immediately regretted testing the waters with this posture. I can't believe I said that. My feedback was that I need to use more variation of high and low in my voice, more enthusiasm, and more energy. They also said that it seemed like I was depressed and perhaps suicidal. I said that it sounded pretty accurate and I couldn't wait to sit back down. The real kicker, and even more annoying part, is that my room mate got up and presented her dialogue right after me, knowing even less then I did and her delivery was 100 times better. I was so pissed. I think the fact that we both did the same thing and she did better is the part that I really can't let go. It just makes me so angry. I'm fuming right now. I should be happy for her because she has so little going for her, but I just can’t. I just feel so drained by her all the time. As soon as I step into the room when she’s there its like my energy get sucked away. She’s a shadow that dulls everything. So negative. I know its not her fault I had a shitty dialogue… but I can’t help but think she is a little bit to blame (she’s not at all but it makes me feel better to not take complete responsibility for my shittyness). I think I’ll be extra rude and ignore her completely tomorrow. I know how uncomfortable she is with silence…evil? Don’t care.
Its so hard to show myself during posture clinics. Everyone says that I’m like a different person up there. I don’t know how to get out of my own head yet. I know this is the first step and that tonight was a “breakthrough” for me, but its still hard to see it that way. It mostly just feels like a failure. I can see the big picture… it’ll just take me some time to get over this burn. It kind of feels like I’ve hit rock bottom; and when I told my study partner, Dan, this, he said “rock bottom is solid, so stand on it and let it be your platform”. We love Dan. Dan’s the man. Also, this yoga teacher from Vegas, John Salvatore, had this great quote that Dan also reminded me of that goes “If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got, and you'll always feel what you always felt”- meaning that I need to get out of my comfort zone in order to get out of my own head, be better, and improve my teaching ability.
I can see how this is all going to come together in the end… I’m just not liking how uncomfortable the process is going to feel.
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